Sunday, November 28, 2010

Ms. In Charge - Step 1

After a while, you get bored of feeling that the world is dark and mysterious and beyond your comprehension.

In American politically-correct parlance, you start to say the World is ummm "Different".  "Special".  The World has a "Great Personality".  You accept it as it is.  You clearly understand your own limitations and those of the World.  You become comfortable being a polar bear in hibernation that occasionally comes out to sniff the coffee.

You just say, "Dear World, So nice of you to stop by.  Please call again in the summer."  

Friday, August 27, 2010

Feel like going home.  This doesn't feel like home, this moment.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

63

"It's about having strong ideas loosely held".  Agility.  Adapting with the environment.  Am I adapting at all?  I wonder if i've changed since I was a little girl. I can't tell.  

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Tallest Man on Earth

Everyone should be so lucky - to be completely sure of something.  That thing or the person that compels them.  That thing that grounds them.  That thing that helps to dispel fear. Some people are sure they will build large companies.  No matter how many client offices they are kicked out of, they keep working at the business.  Others are sure of their spouses.  Others get absolute comfort from their family.  Few friends.

I'm sure of myself.  I didn't want it to be this way.  You couldn't have found a person who was less interested in being responsible.  This wasn't a conscious attempt.  It just happened. I remember Nadiya had trekked me off to Peru alone because she thought I needed to realize that I needed people.  And I did.  Being alone in Titikaka (stunning) taught me that lesson so fast.  And yet, the respite beyond every respite, is in silence, in The Hindu, in Google, in bed, in imagining, in Sundays, in morning coffee.  Of course you break out of this quietude and always run to the same people.

I just can't say it like him.  Yet.

I Won't Be Found - Tallest Man on Earth
:
Well if I ever see the morning
Just like a lizard in the spring
I’m gonna run out in the meadow
To catch the silence when it sings

I’m gonna force the Serengeti
To disappear into my eyes
Then when I hear your voices callin’
I’m gonna turn just inside out

Well if I ever get to slumber
Just like a mole deep in the ground
Hell, I won’t be found

Deep in the dust forgotten gathered
I grow a diamond in my chest
I make reflections as the moon shines on
Turn to a villain as I rest

Well if I ever get to slumber
Just like a mole deep in the ground
Hell, I won’t be found

I know there is a hollow
I need to fill it with a draft
Of all the words that I wont way
And with a quiet whisper
I send a curse upon the day
That never used the sun to see
The light

I’m gonna float up in the ceiling
I built a levee of the stars
And in my field of tired horses
I built a freeway through this farce

Well if I ever get that slumber
Ill be that mole deep in the ground
And I won’t be found

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

CWG

Delhi is like a bride-to-be waiting for her Commonwealth groom to embrace her.  She's on a self-improvement plan to be worthy of her groom and guests when they come on the big day.  She wants to shine.  Various vendors in the construction industry that have been hired for her beautification.  She's lucrative.  She's his good luck charm.  Jaha jayagee, paisa banaygee.  Lakshmi ghar meh padhar rahee hai.  She's got a trail of people in Committees organizing various events, facilitating the comfort of her guests.  Everyone will be watching her on the day.  The anticipation builds as we approach the occasion.  We've invested 30,000 crores in her to go forward.  Will her groom take her where she wants to go?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

FreeWill

"You are what your deep, driving desire is
As your desire is, so is your will
As you will is, so is your deed
As your deed is, so is your destiny" - Upanishads

Friday, May 28, 2010

Socio

It just occurred to me, if you're poor wanting to marry rich, you're a gold-digger.  If you're rich marrying rich, you're marrying for love, similarity in values, similarity in families. I'm puzzled by the difference in perception.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Story without an end

I once went to a wedding as a petulant child.  It was held in the parking lot of Riviera Apartments on Mall Road in Old Delhi.  The parking lot had gotten an orange and yellow Punjabi shaadi makeover.  I was six and I kept bugging nana ji, "Why did we have to come so early!".  Something about the trials and tribulations of being on the girl's side ensued.  Gracious.  What a liability we are.  And there was definitely a "you'll know when it's your turn".  So by the time my next birthday came, I bought my first Indira Bachat Patra.  Dadu had explained to me how it worked.  This was a scheme started by Indira Gandhi at the time that would double your money in five years.  My seven-year-old self thought this was a damn good deal, and I started diverting my birthday present requests from Barbie dolls to 500 rupee bachat patras.  Needless to say, nanaji had frightened me enough to want to start saving for my wedding.  Additionally, I had papa promise me a few presents he would give me at my wedding.  He'd of course promptly asked me to write a list.  He'd even insisted on signing the contract.  It went something like this - "When I get married, papa will give me a TV, a video player, a fridge ..."  I'd also prayed for marriage to Santa Claus around the same time.  'Earning' and 'independent' were just not part of the paradigm. 

Over the next two decades, my five-hundred-rupee khazanas were reinvested multiple times.  Meanwhile, I started to stay away from those who advocated settling down at a certain age.  I hid behind feminism.  The fear of making a mistake and getting trapped made me chase guys away.  I did terrible things.  I cried.  I pretended to be overly-dependent.  I comforted egos.  I insisted on commitment.  On the surface, I succumbed to the control.  If they didn't leave, I ran.  Fear always trumped time.  None of this was conscious at first.  I was just in and out.  Smiling at the beginning.  Crying by the end.  I was so transparent through it all.  Self-introspection was a game we played with varying degrees of success.  They assumed they understood me.  I really hadn't meant to be so dismissive.  Mama reminded me one day of the many-times-over matured Indira Bachat Patras, and I flippantly had them sold.  The sum had become inconsequential.  Inflation had played with me.

It's just that I'd read Fowles at fifteen.  And ever since then, after the initial enthusiasm each reality felt like a sale to the highest bidder.  Some insisted I stop selling myself so short.  Others swung the other way and accused me of being full of myself.  They didn't understand, I'm not for sale.  I can't bear pity, nor understanding, nor reprimand.  It's all self-serving.  I didn't want those pedestals.  Perhaps now I can ask my dad, save me.  Sign it on stamp paper.  Give me the sense to preserve myself.  I live in a time that I don't fully belong to.  I can't belong to these practices; this immediacy of admiration, the flippancy of conjugal bartering, the absence of constancy.

I keep thinking of the commodities for sale at the mandi.  "Uterus for sale.  Going for 5000, five lakhs, five crores.  Going once.  Going twice.  Sold to the man in that corner."

Friday, April 16, 2010

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Touch of the Master’s Hand

By Myra Brooks Welch

’Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer
Thought it scarcely worth his while
To waste much time on the old violin,
But held it up with a smile.
“What am I bid, good folks,” he cried,
“Who’ll start the bidding for me?
A dollar, a dollar. Then two! Only two?
Two dollars, and who’ll make it three?”

“Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice;
Going now for three...” But no,
From the room, far back, a grey-haired man
Came forward and picked up the bow;
Then wiping the dust from the old violin,
And tightening the loosened strings,
He played a melody pure and sweet,
As a caroling angel sings.

The music ceased, and the auctioneer,
With a voice that was quiet and low,
Said: “What am I bid for the old violin?”
And he held it up with the bow.
“A thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two?
Two thousand! And who’ll make it three?
Three thousand, once; three thousand, twice,
And going and gone,” said he.

The people cheered, but some of them cried,
“We do not quite understand.
What changed its worth?” Swift came the reply:
“The touch of the Master’s hand.”
And many a man with life out of tune,
And battered and scarred with sin,
Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd
Much like the old violin.

A “mess of pottage,” a glass of wine,
A game—and he travels on.
He is “going” once, and “going” twice,
He’s “going” and almost “gone.”
But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd
Never can quite understand
The worth of a soul and the change that is wrought
By the touch of the Master’s hand.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

"L'Étranger"

I think about death.  It eases me.  The thought that if I had to die tomorrow, a few nominations aside, everything would be fine eases me.  I wouldn't have regrets.  I never didn't convey feeling. 

Maybe I feel easy about death because I don't see it coming.  I see myself growing old.  I see myself getting the chance to do what I want to do.  It's irksome to care this way.  The clarity of purpose makes it easy to be detached and instinct-driven.  To sit still in silence.  Even naniji says, "maun raho".

The noise doesn't bother me now.  I can't pretend (to myself or to others) any more.  Sometimes I see cages where I used to see people.  My naiveté fades.  And social graces are lost on me.  I'm no longer here to be nice.  I'm here to try to see things as they are.

Ms. David is to blame.  The year I graduated from high school, she, our English teacher, was asked by the Very-Catholic Board of my school to leave.  She had after all introduced us at that tender age to lesbianism, to divorce, to childless couples.  What lack of judgment and good sense!  From "A Lost Lady" to "The Awakening", we read about women who could imagine lives beyond their families.  I remember our last semester.  Our first theme in class had been "utopia & dystopia" and the second, "insanity & love".  Ms. Davis is to blame for the silence I feel.

You saw some things more clearly than I did. 

And now it is my turn to be "solely responsible for giving my life meaning and living that life passionately and sincerely, in spite of many existential obstacles and distractions including despair, angst, absurdity, alienation, and boredom."  I wouldn't have said it this way.  "Passion" and "sincerity" sound melodramatic.  Eeks.  Funnily enough, "despair", "angst", "absurdity", "alienation", and "boredom" seem normal.  Perhaps, I could paraphrase - I am alone responsible for me.  I must take risks and manage the fears.  This is reckless abandon, and I must be ready for the consequences.  Forgive me my trespasses. 

The Lord's Prayer comforts.  "Our Father Who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil . For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever."

Turns out, I make a terrible Marxist.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Fiction

Hypothetically, if I never see your face again (which is hypothetical because you'll be here forever), I wouldn't mind.  "Forever".  I finally got what I wanted.  How could I ask you for more?  You gave me the one thing I wanted.

I think I could live on this for years.  Not that it is easy to live this way, but it's simply the best I can arrange being me.  And it's not so hard either.  Feels incredible to know this finally.  I like my life on this delicious fumbling edge.  Uncertainty certainly turned out to be so good for me.  Am comfortable with the decisions to date.  Realizing that I chose everything.  Chose to stay.  Chose to leave.  Lived on certain terms.  Made my mistakes.  I have not had to live the consequences of decisions others made on my behalf.  I'm so sure for once, can you believe it?  I could dance caffeinated circles around these decisions. 

The loyalty at last feels good.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

me

http://arundhar.blogspot.com/2008/12/to-one-that-got-away.html